melancholitis

oh welllll, feeling a tad bit melancholy tonight.  although i had a great day.  to the zoo again, this time with fox, bren, megan, josiah and olivia.  had a great time, even though we had to cut it a tad bit short.  zoo time can go on  forever if you dawdle....which we couldn't do too much of that today.  but it was ok, we had fun anyway:)  i love going to the zoo with my coombsies.  today was different in that now i have my own grandson to give attention to.  megan and i were talking briefly on the walk out.  the next time they visit they will all be older....and perhaps the magic will be gone.  that's what happens when children grow up.  the magic fades.  but the memories and experiences shared together are priceless.  such as the time we got caught in a thundershower in the petting zoo area.  we spent the better part of an hour waiting it out in the gopher tunnel.  a priceless memory i don't think they'll ever forget; and it was fun reminiscing about it today:)  yep, i sure hope everyone's game for another go the next time they make the trip down....just for old time's sake..........

thinking a little about family tonight.  relationships.  how they change.  sometimes they stagnate.  sometimes they grow. wanting to be close to my children, and not only in a geographical sense.  i'm pretty sure that's the cry of every mother's heart.  and yet..... wanting to live a life that extends beyond these relationships alone.  been thinking a good bit about my mom.  88 years old.  wow.  how'd that happen?  i still remember her in her heyday with that beehive hairdo, fussy and fiesty.  age is taking it's toll on her body.  her feet swell with too much activity and this makes her uncomfortable and unwilling to get out as much.  she suffers greatly with arthritic aches and pains that come and go.  her driving days are numbered.  her eyesight is slowly fading.  her hearing....well let's just not talk about that!  over the years as i have matured myself, we have become great friends.  and in recent months/years i have joined my siblings as we have become caretakers for her of sorts.  there is such a great heritage that comes from her and i draw great strength from that, but even in spite of this i'm seeing things about her life that i do not want to repeat in my own. taking into account that her life span is beginning to outrun many of her cronies who have passed on from this life or into the nursing home scene.....even though she lives in a small town with a great many around her whom she has known all of her life, she is essentially a loner and has no close friends except for her sister who lives nearby and those of us kids, grandkids, etc. who seek out a relationship with her. my mom has lots of insecurity about her self worth.  most of those around her may not have discerned that about her....but that insecurity keeps her from reaching out beyond herself in so many ways....i have observed that in her for many years.  and though i never want to pass any kind of harsh judgment upon her, i do find as i said that i don't want to repeat the pattern of her life in these things. 

well, i could go on, but enough of that.  the big 55 is coming in a couple of days.  perhaps that is a contributing factor to what i have come to call my melancholitis of late.  on a much happier note: